I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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