I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
