Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
