my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
