Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
