he puts the penis in happiness.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
