you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
