i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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