So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
