Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
