Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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