do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
