obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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