I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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