It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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