I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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