Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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