Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
