I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
