You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
