i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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