It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
