im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
