Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
