I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I smell like Dick and happiness
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