C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
