just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
