She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
