Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
