honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
