Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
