this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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