Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
