The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
