i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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