You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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