A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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