Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
tell me about the eggs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
