Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
