god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
