I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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