I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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