please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You need Xanax blowdarts
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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