I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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