Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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