I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
