I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
