Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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