I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
