Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
